Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour