Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
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Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED