First Child: I won’t bribe my kid with food, it’s unhealthy
Third Child: If you put your underwear on I’ll buy you ice cream
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING
Wife: This is terrible.
Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!