@Ariel_Comedy

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

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@reallifemommy3

First Child: I won’t bribe my kid with food, it’s unhealthy

Third Child: If you put your underwear on I’ll buy you ice cream

@JediGigi

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

@delusions_of

“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@Procaffinator

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

@coolmathgame_

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

@ParentNormal

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!