Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?