Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

concern

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated