Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

We’ve all been there…

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.