Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age