[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
scenes of unspeakable carnage
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Given the memory span of a goldfish…