Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough