Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters