My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Happy weekend !
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.