@stephenfry

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

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@AimeeHelene1

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

@LoneWolfStanley

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

@vanluvz1

Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.

@Daps_95

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

@flashember

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

@mynameisntdave

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

@Gooooats

Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?

Me: it’s brownies.

@FU_TangClan

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT