Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.


“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”


If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.


Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do


I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some


[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?


Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no


23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.


Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?


Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.