My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?
Me: it’s brownies.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT