Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

I put the hot in psychotic.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow