Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

Sticker placement is key.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

She: I like Cats
He:

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating