Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*