Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna be friends with this person

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

This is my favorite one of these!

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon