Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

Sooo many times…..

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Just parrot things