Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???