Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

There’s always that one guy

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues