Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Hot hot hot 🥵
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.