Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

sometimes i miss this memes

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

I am all good here, 😂😉

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

Church Pugh’s

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.