Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.