Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
You Might Also Like
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I can’t wait!
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.