Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

🤣

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.