dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
As the Lord intended
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.