Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

that de-escalated quickly

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.