Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.