Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.