DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
So that’s what we looked like?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot