DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
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My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
🤷♀️
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Cashiers are always checking me out
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too