Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

those birds must be on payroll

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head