DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
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Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
just having fun
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.