Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

💀

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.