DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
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just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
How animals would run if they were human
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
this made my day 😂
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.