DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
A double negative is a big no-no.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE