DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
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I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone