Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

Golf would be better with landmines.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

I love you to the refrigerator and back

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.