DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Haha good job!!
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this