DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The news is so predictable nowadays
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.