Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.