DR DOG: We need to talk about your weight.
PATIENT: I’m not fat. I’m just big boned.
DR DOG: *drooling everywhere* Just how big exactly?

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me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”


*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”


Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.


me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*


PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.


If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.


My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”


Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?


[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy