Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

He’s cranky this morning

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

This story is comedy gold 😂

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.