Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.