Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo