Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.![]()
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
wow he looks just like him
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I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)