Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.

Store clerk: Scotch?

Me: Even better.

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”