Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

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“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.