Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

We need more people like this.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”