Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Cashiers are always checking me out

Krampus.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.