Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

Seems legit

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken