Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔