DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?