Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I love this❤️😁👍
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁