Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
You Might Also Like
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what