Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
best review i’ve ever seen
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
When can I start eating bats again.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”