Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’