Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
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Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
the #horror is real!
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse