Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
