Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

We like the way Dwight thinks

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

this was very charming

grotesque if literal: baby food

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?