Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.