Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

same vibe as tangled headphones

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor