Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

Boy never ceases to amaze me

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time