Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
make up your mind
Looking at you, Jesus.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101