Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Not today, today.
Not today.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.