Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

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It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.


[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where


nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight











me: wait for what


Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.



Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.


If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.


sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.


Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go


The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.


*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*