Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
the answer was staring at me all along
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
THE AUDACITY. 😤