Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected


Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’


Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.


Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.


A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.


When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”


Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST


[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.


If a cheesecake has fruit on it, is it ok to eat for breakfast?

Asking for me.