@sixfootcandy

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

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@TheMichaelRock

It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

@drinksmcgee

[Park]

Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.

@vedantm_

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@EllaZee5

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

@HenpeckedHal

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

@tiffanyaneal

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*