It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
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[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
me: yes but where
me: wait for what
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*