Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.