Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED