Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.