Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
your elf on the shelf was delicious
it’s finally my moment to shine
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year