Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Single and childfree like Jesus

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

“I’m helping” 😅